Weird Things!

My Top 5 Weird Things Humans Do (That Make No Sense to Dogs)

Woof there! Boomer here, your resident canine columnist at Pawsies.

Today, I've decided to share some observations about the peculiar behaviours of our beloved hoomans. Don't get me wrong – I love my hoomans to bits, but sometimes they do things that make my head tilt sideways!

1. The Mysterious Vacuum Monster Let's talk about that roaring beast they bring out regularly. Hoomans actually CHOOSE to unleash this noisy monster in their homes! They push it around, making it eat perfectly good crumbs off the floor (crumbs I was saving for later, thank you very much). And then they have the cheek to tell us "it's okay" and "don't be scared." Easy for them to say – they're not the ones who had their afternoon nap interrupted by a crumb-eating dragon!
2. The Fake Ball Throw This one really baffles me. Why do hoomans pretend to throw the ball but keep it behind their back? Do they think we can't tell? I mean, I play along because they seem to find it hilarious, but between us dogs, we're just being polite. Yes, Karen from number 42, we know you still have the ball!
3. The Phone Obsession What is it with hoomans and those glowing rectangles? They stare at them for hours, occasionally making strange noises like "LOL" or "OMG." Sometimes they even point them at us while we're sleeping. I've tried to understand the appeal – I've sniffed them, licked them (when nobody was looking), but I still don't get it. Maybe they're bacon-scented and only hoomans can smell it?
4. The Bath Time Drama Every few weeks, my hoomans decide I need a "bath." They act all excited like it's the best thing ever, but if it's so brilliant, why don't they join me? And why do they get annoyed when I share the joy by shaking water all over them? It's called sharing, hoomans – you taught me that!
5. The Poo Bag Ritual This one tops my list of hoomans mysteries. They follow us around with little bags, waiting to collect our business. Then they carry it around like it's some sort of treasure! I've seen them walk blocks just to find a special bin to put it in. If they love it so much, why not just leave it where we put it? The garden could always use more... fertiliser.

Bonus Mystery: The Talking Box
There's this box in the living room that they stare at for ages. Sometimes it shows other humans, sometimes dogs (I always bark hello, but they never bark back – how rude!), and sometimes even those weird cats. The humans sit there making all sorts of emotions at it – laughing, gasping, sometimes even crying. I've checked behind it multiple times – there's nothing there!

To be fair, we dogs probably do things that confuse our hoomans too. Like why we insist on spinning three times before lying down, or why we suddenly get the zoomies at 3am. But that's different – we have our reasons (they're secret dog reasons, but they're very good ones, I assure you).

If any of my furry friends reading this have figured out these hooman mysteries, please enlighten me. Until then, I'll keep studying their bizarre behaviour while pretending to nap.
Must dash now – I hear the treat cupboard opening, and that's one human behaviour I completely understand!

Tail wags and wet nose boops,

Boomer

P.S. If you're a hooman reading this, we love you despite your weird habits. Now, about those treats...

P.P.S. To my dog friends: Has anyone else noticed how hoomans talk to plants? No? Just my hoomans then...